Lucas Versantvoort / 19 Oct 2015
Conker's Bad Fur Day, made way back when that
shiny Rare logo on the box meant something, is one of my definitive childhood
games. I bought it, or rather my parents did, when I was quite young. I must've
been like 10 or 11 which is why I'm still a bit stunned that my parents got it for
me, especially since the game featured a big M (for Mature) right on the
box.
What to say about the story? That
wonderfully nonsensical story. Our hero, the squirrel Conker gets wasted on
night in the local bar, The Cock and Plucker, gets lost on the way home and
wakes up the next day with the worst hangover. This is what Conker calls a 'bad
fur day'. Basically, his entire quest is...to get home to his girlfriend Berri.
That's it. No saving the world from an evil tyrant. Just get your ass back
home. Of course, Conker gets involved in all kinds of wonderful nonsense, but
for him the ultimate objective is to go home. The other main thing to consider,
plot-wise, is the evil Panther King who has a problem of outlandish
proportions. You see, the Panther King likes his milk. He likes a table he can
put his glass milk on whenever he's not actively consuming it. But when said
table has only three legs, he gets a wee bit angry, you see. So, he sends for
his assistant, professor Von Kripplespac, to find a solution. His solution is
to put a squirrel underneath it, a red squirrel to be precise, since it would
fit perfectly underneath the table. So, the Panther King sends out his lackeys
to get him one of these red squirrels.
And so the foundation is laid for
some of the most off-the-wall humor that has ever graced the N64. It's this
random, yet delicious humor that's the reason why the game has enjoyed a cult
following to this day. The N64 mostly had a kid-friendly reputation, so to see
Conker's Bad Fur Day get away with all kinds of crazy humor and foul language
was great, particularly in retrospect. One moment you'll meet a drunken
scarecrow who'll teach you about context-sensitive buttons (they're sensitive
to context), the other you'll bump into a redneck pitchfork who's gonna...stick
his big fork right into yers (yeah...). One moment you'll stand on a monk's
stone tablet who'll then toss you upward and the other you'll need to use a
sunflower's triple D tits. When you die (or...lose a life), you meet
Gregg...the Grim Reaper in the afterlife who tells you that you've got a few
more lives/chances. The game's filled with these fourth-wall breaking jokes
that are really well done. The context-sensitive joke is another one.
What's great is that the game was
also something of a technical miracle back in the day. Just look at the draw
distance in the overworld section and the lack of fog in the distance. Very
little pop-in of objects and characters too. Marvel at the detail with which
Conker is brought to life: individually animated fingers (instead of
Goldeney-esque cement blocks for hands), lip-synching, his tail has physics
instead of being a rigid texture, he has all kinds of appropriate facial
expressions. Conker's also got countless animations: push against a wall and
rather than keep walking, he'll respond appropriately by putting his hands up
against the wall. Walk very slowly and he'll tip-toe around. Stand still and
he'll read a magazine, casually start tapping his feet, drink some juice or
juggle some balls. I also like how when you rotate the camera closely around
Conker, he'll look directly at you with his permanent smile and wide-eyed look.
He'll also look directly at objects of interest close to him instead of just
blankly staring ahead. A modern title like Skyrim would need a mod for that.
Then again, it's Bethesda. If they tried to implement head tracking, it'd
probably break a quest or something somehow. Other great details? Too many to
mention: Franky the pitchfork's slow walking animation, his homo-erotic
dialogue, the view from the top of the barn where you can see the major areas
you'll visit (jpeggy, but still), the stuck-up, aristocratic cats, Gregg's
hatred of cats; the list goes on.
The game's not without its
downsides. The camera can be a bitch to maneuver, making it hard to see where
you are in relation to your enemies and surroundings. Also, some of the humor
hasn't retained its impact after all these years. While the war and Dracula
parodies and so on are still great, the Matrix scenes aren't. Not only because
Matrix parodies are old nowadays, but because the game doesn't really do
anything with them. The parody is intended to work through recognition: 'ahh, I
know this. This is from The Matrix.' There were opportunities to really make
something out of it, but they didn't make the most of it, unfortunately. Also,
I remember the game's difficulty being all over the place. The opening level
immediately throws some really tricky jump sections at you after which the game
gets easy for a while. Then later, you beat the Terminator haystack boss in
that 'basement' underneath the barn and the water starts filling up the
basement. You're then forced to climb upwards all the while throwing knifes to
cut electrical cords with laser-precision. For all its merits, this game could
be absolutely infuriating. Often, the first thing I'd do upon booting up the
game was enter the 'unlock all levels' cheat code, because sometimes I couldn't
be bothered. I just wanted to play the fun parts again.
But yeah, it's nice looking back on
a game and realizing not only how funny it was (and finally getting some of the
references and obscure dirty jokes), but that it's also got its place in
history due to its remarkable technical competence. In a way, this is the kind
of game that should be made more often: a bunch of developers putting their
heads together and making the game they want to make.
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